First Time
by Bother
Summary: In the wake of finding a diary of his, Michael wants to know everyone's first time. Yes, THAT time.
1. Chapter 1

First Time

_[Scene starts with everyone quietly working_

Michael: Attention… ATTEN_TION_! _[He over emphasizes the last syllable until everyone is looking at him; Jim looks slightly concerned_

Michael: I've been researching into my past –

Dwight: Like ancestor related? _[He asks it so intently that the entire office looks at him in alarm and curiosity_

_Dwight (in interview): I just happen to know about my ancestry, it was handed down in a book that was made from beet leaves and beet ink. My great great grandfather started it and it has been continued since. [He holds up a small picture of a very old man on a bed with a dirty brown 'book'._

Michael _(smile fading)_: No not like that _[he snaps_. I have found my diary that has the precise date that I lost my pure.

Toby _(entering from the back of the office)_: Don't you mean 'purity', Michael? _[He says it nicely, so that it wouldn't have offended anyone._

Michael: Ah, yes, but who invited you here? Why are you eavesdropping on my private conversation with my friends? _[Toby looks upset._

Jim: But Michael, you were saying an announcement about it. _[There were several choruses of agreement. _

Michael: Yeah, but that's not the point. Since I have found out of my first time, I want to know yours! _[The office is silent; they are unsure if this is against any rules; Michael is grinning._

Phyllis: Isn't that against the rules?

_Phyllis: I don't really think that telling Michael the first time I had intercourse is a good idea…Like letting a sheep in a lion's den._

_Angela: I refuse to speak of my private life. It is for me to know and everyone else to never find out. _

_Kevin: I wish I could be a fly on the wall in all of those conversations. [He smiles slowly. I think Pam and Jim do it when we all aren't looking. [Scene of Jim and Pam talking at her desk with Kevin watching intently._


	2. Chapter 2

First Time

_Michael: I'm not ashamed of things like sex. I mean, we are all products of sex... kinda like apples from apple trees, but we breathe and have more sex._

Kevin (while raising his hand): Can I listen in on all of the conversations? _(Jim looks with alarm at the camera)_

Michael (after a short pause): Uh, no you cannot, Kevin. You're disgusting for wanting to do that. _(Stanley shakes his head in disapproval and confusion.)_

_(Everyone looks around to see who is going to go first; Michael's eyes wander to Pam who immediately pretends to be on the phone.)_

Michael: Pamalamma ding dong! I wanna hear yours first! _(Pam looks at Jim wildly; he blinks slowly at her. Kevin is watching them with a smile forming at his lips.)_

_Kevin: I know they do it. Didja see the look they gave each other? Yeah, they do it all right. (He unwraps a Twinkie and slowly begins to eat it.)_

* * *

Michael (reclining in his office chair): So... Pam. _(He smiles awkwardly trying to get Pam to tell him of her first time.)_

_Pam: I figure that I'll just fib it. I mean, who really wants Michael to know when you have had sex? (She shrugs to the camera.)_

Pam: Well, it was Halloween. I was 14 years old and someone had spiked the punch. _(Michael's mouth flings open and he leans forward; Pam looks 'guilty' and shrugs.)_

Michael (in a hushed voice): So you don't even know who it was?

Pam: No I know who it was... it was Superman. _(She says it quietly and seriously.)_

Michael (leaning back): Wow. My Pammy. _(He exhales loudly and closes his eyes.)_

Pam: Yep. I've never told anybody, but it was the best I've ever had. _(She accidentally giggles.)_

Michael: You... can leave. _(He points to the door and then puts his head in his hands. Pam makes no hesitation to leave.)_

* * *

_Michael: Did I think Pam's first time was going to be like that? No. Do I think any less of her because of it? Maybe. I thought her first time would have been with Roy. After all, they were engaged for like, ten years... I wonder if Jim knows her first time? 'Cause her first time was disgusting. (He smiles at the camera.)  
_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: WHOA WHOA. Yay!**

First Time 

Michael: Who wants to go next?! _(He looks around the office as if to see eager volunteers). _

_Phyllis (in talking head): Maybe I'll just go to get it over with (she hesitates). Well the worst that can happen is that he will be disgusted. (She frowns for a second, and then a timid smile reaches her lips). _

Phyllis (raising her hand): Michael, I'd like to go next.

Michael (his smile quickly fading): Ugh ew. Uhm. No, Phyllis, I'm sure the office would like to think of you as a motherly virgin. You and sex do not belong in a sentence together. (He closes his eyes and exhales deeply as if trying to rid himself of a horrifying mental image; Phyllis shoots a knowing smile to the camera).

Creed: I would like to go next. (He stands up).

Michael: Uh. (He glances at the camera, then Phyllis, trying to determine who is worse) Sure. Creed you're up.

_Jim: Would I want to sit through Creed's story of the first time he had sex? (He shakes his head and mugs to the camera). _

(Michael barely begins to sit in his office chair before Creed starts his story.)

Creed: It was my thirteenth birthday party. My father decided to get me a prostitute named Loris Clitoris. She was 38 years old and had one of the best racks I have ever seen except for that receptionist –

Michael (holding up one hand and putting his other on his forehead): STOP. You are disgusting. Get the hell out of here. (He makes shooing gestures).

_Michael: Creed is always disgusting. He just has this way to ruin everything with his vile and crude ways. Really 38 years old? That's just gross. And a thirteen year old? (He sighs). _

_Creed: I said it before and I'll say it again: __Swing low sweet chariots._


End file.
